Week 1

I did everything right, I swear it. Sadly, it was not enough. I gained a pound.

*sigh* I guess it's on to next week. Maybe it will be better.

Not of My Own

I actually dislike Fraggle Rock, but Jeff bought Bebo a couple of the DVDs anyway. In one episode, a little Doozer strikes out for adventure, singing a song with the line "I'm on my own, I'm on my own, I'm my own." That doesn't really work out for her, though. She needs Gobo Fraggle to help her out of a mess.

In my weight loss "adventures" - yo-yoing around an 80-lb loss - I have come to realize something. For all the "if it is to be, it's up to me" talk, and all the "you CAN do it!" mantras, the truth remains - I can't do this on my own.

It's much more than just having a great support group, too. I've consistently left God out of the equation. I am not one of these religious loons you see on TV, but I do know what I believe and why I believe it. All these years of back-and-forth, losses and binges, successes and failures has just shown me how much I really need to rely on Him. I suppose part of me thinks that since I got myself into this mess in the first place, I should get myself out. Another part tells me that God is not impressed with such a petty request as one to lose a few (okay, a lot of) pounds.

And yet, deep down, I know that isn't true. I know that He can provide me with the self-discipline I so blatantly lack. I know that I should be feeding my emotions with Him instead of with food. I know that I can do it, but only with His help can I totally stay the course.

So my "mantra" has changed... I can do this - but only by the grace of God. I do not apologize for it, either. My Christianity is as much a part of me as anything else, and it has always brought out the best in me when I was at my lowest. It's time to let that happen again.

"I can do all things THROUGH CHRIST who strengthens me." Php 4:13

My Momma

Mom needs to lower her triglycerides, doctor's orders. I need to lose weight. We need each other. I'm going to hold her accountable and she will do the same for me. I don't eat like they do, but we are trading food and recipe ideas, anyway.

Mom is one of these people who believes everyone is entitled to her opinion. :) Strangely, this is exactly what I need. She will not pull punches when it comes to dishing out the cold hard truth and she definitely will not care if she hurts my feelings in the process. (Not that she's a meanie, but Jeff is too afraid to insult me - even if it's needed.)

I am glad for this partnership. We are weighing in on Mondays and Fridays. It was embarrassing to admit out loud how much I weigh - I don't enjoy saying that particular number. But it's just Mom, and it's not like I can hide how big I really am. I'm only fooling myself if I think I can.

Yesterday was a pretty good eating day. I have decided to count points because it's what I know, and actually came in under my daily points by a bit. I didn't intend for it to work out that way, because you're supposed to eat them all, but I got to the end of the day and simply was not hungry, so I ate 28 instead of 31 points.

I had good food, too - a scrambled egg sandwich & watermelon for breakfast, a spinach/strawberry/chicken salad for lunch, an ice cream sandwich, blueberry muffin & apple for snacks, and a fajita salad for supper. Tasty.

Today I'm thinking oatmeal with strawberries for breakfast, a BST (bacon-spinach-tomato) & watermelon for lunch, and meatloaf for supper. Yes, folks - eating healthy does not mean you have to give up the things you love!

So it's off to the races. Competition is a good thing. If I can keep Mom into it and she starts losing weight, it will provide just the bit of a competitive edge that I thrive on. Let's see how it goes, shall we?

06.10.09

What I ate yesterday:

Breakfast

1/2 c. oatmeal
1 c. strawberries
iced coffee (1 c. milk, 3 c. coffee)
Total Points: 6

Lunch

Chicken sandwich
-2 slices whole wheat bread
-4 oz chicken
-spinach, tomatoes
-slice cheese
-1 tsp miracle whip & 1 tsp mustard
1 c. watermelon
1/2 roasted bell pepper
Total Points: 8

Snacks

1 svg salt & vinegar chips
1/2 c. neopolitan ice cream
Total Points: 6

Supper

1 c. Chicken Heck-Yeah soup
chicken souvlaki
pita
medium fries
1/4 personal pan cheese pizza
Total Points: 24

Total Points for day: 44
Points available: 33

Not-so-Friendly Reminder

Got one of those today... turns out I can't eat what I want and lose weight. I gained a pound.

Duh.

I'm not into mantras and meditation, but this week I choose one - when I want to eat, I will ask myself this:

What do I want?

If need be, I'll ask it over and over, so I can remind myself of exactly what I'm working for.

- to lose enough weight to comfortably survive clinicals
- to be healthy for Braeden
- to be healthy for myself
- to be healthy so that I can think about baby #2
- to look good
- to feel good in my own skin

What do I want?

End of the Tunnel

To say that this has been a wild week would be a gross understatement. Both cars broke down, we've been dealing with finals and of course the usual daily issues. I'm tired, and haven't had much time to exercise. Food is tempting me sorely, and I've given in too many times.

I have a final to take this afternoon, and then I'm going to cook a few meals for the week before settling into a study routine. I also hope to exercise a little more than I have been. My major goal for this week is simply to keep my head above water. Once finals are over, I can breathe, and for that, I am exceptionally thankful. I haven't looked forward to summer this much in years! LOL

Two

Two more pounds down. (Total of eight.) Somewhat surprising, I admit.

Two days I really exercised last week (five days a week is somewhat unrealistic for me, though I did manage some serious house-cleaning).

Two years is how long I think it will take to lose this weight.

Two recipes that I will make today.

Two sizes to go and I will have plenty of clothes to wear again.

Two shirts that I have right now that are decent enough to wear to church.

Two more days until there's enough money in the bank for me to refill the healthy foods in the fridge & pantry.

Two pounds lost this week (did I mention that already?)

In Recovery

This week, I decided to up the ante a bit with my exercise. I increased the weights - not significantly, I thought, but it seems that even a one or two pound difference is enough to make your muscles scream "Uncle!'"

I didn't want to work out at all. I'm not exactly feeling great, and I just wasn't in the mood. But I kept thinking about my goal, and the reason I want to lose the weight - so I pushed myself through anyway.

My eating habits haven't been spectacular, but they are still a drastic improvement over what I would have eaten a few weeks ago. I think it's time to back off the artificial sweeteners, because I seem to have a constant sweet tooth. I'm slowly decreasing the amount I put in my tea, although my morning brew is just going to have to settle for coffee with my cream & splenda. :)

In one of my former WW lives, I had started a mini-scrapbook, and I'm thinking about doing that again. I suppose I should take "before" pictures, too, even as much as I hate facing the camera. Having a visual comparison to see where I've been and where I'm going is an incredible motivation.

And on that note, I have cooled off sufficiently to hop in the shower, and then I think I'm going to turn in early. 'Night!

Goal 1: Met

I decided to follow the advice I see in every weight-loss article and set mini-goals of five pounds each. This morning, two weeks in, I met my first goal. Actually, I passed it - I lost three pounds for a total of six lost. This makes me happy, of course - especially since it's that time of the month ,and I tend to retain water pretty badly.

I have done my very best to force down as much fluid as possible. Yesterday I drank three Bubba Kegs ( 34 oz) of water and three of decaf unsweetened tea. (Funny how I measure water intake in Bubba Kegs!) I also spent two hours busting tail on the house, and even though I didn't really want to, another 30 minutes on the bike. 30 minutes is all I can take before my back & butt start to hurt. The seat is not the most comfortable thing in the world.

Moving on to this week... my goals are:

1) dig out a cardio video. I am awful at it, but I need to step up the cardio a bit from the bike. Not sure yet which one I'll do.

2) Keep guzzling the water - a minimum of 3 Bubba Kegs a day.

3) Plan menus for next week with at least one casserole-type food. I am quickly getting tired of piecing together all my meals in the form of sandwiches or salads. It just isn't the way I enjoy eating - I like complexity and crazy flavors.

I can do it, yes I can!

Scheduling

I have encountered an unexpected snag. Jeff's new job has him working nights (7pm-7am), which means that he sleeps in the daytime, and on days he doesn't work, is totally underfoot. The problem with all this is that it often leaves me without a good time to exercise. I can work out in my bedroom, but it's not ideal because there isn't quite enough room to move. If he is home, he and Bebo are monopolizing the TV in the living room, and I don't like working out with an audience. Obviously, daytime workouts are out of the question because my lardo butt stomping around on the hardwood floor in this little house wouldn't exactly be conducive to his bedtime, now would it?

Gotta figure out something...

In the meantime, I'm still figuring out cooking, too. I really love casseroles & soups, but it seems like lately with everyone going different directions, it's been easier for us to fend for ourselves. I don't like it, but it seems to be working for now. I might reduce my preferred weekend cooking to one or two casseroles, leaving the rest of the meals up to the whim of the moment.

What I really need to do is think of this as a lifestyle, and that can be the hardest part of all.

NSV!!

"NSV" is Weight Watcher speak for "non-scale victory." It signifies an event, however small, of achievement in the weight loss journey. Today I had a wonderful NSV.

When you're overweight, you might have the same problem I do - the inner thighs of my jeans are all worn thin. Since I usually only have 1-2 pairs of jeans at any given time, I tend to go through them rather quickly. My current pair is starting to thin, and I know it won't be much longer before holes are poking through. I had another pair, supposedly in the same size, but cut differently, that I haven't worn in a couple of months because they were so tight they were uncomfortable.

Tonight I only had one pair of jeans clean - the tight ones, of course - so I thought I'd try them on, hoping that maybe they wouldn't be too ridiculously snug and that I could at least suffer through an hour of church without being too miserable. To my total surprise, they fit quite comfortably! I'm not bothered in the least by wearing them. Woot!

Just goes to show ya that three pounds lost and a little bit of exercise can do more than you realize - even when the results just aren't visible yet.

Sliding

It's funny, isn't it, how one little foray into old habits can nearly sabotage the entire thing? Yesterday I needed to do a little work at the old house, and so I promised Braeden that if he was good, we'd go to Taco Bell. I intended to get my usual low-point meal - a fresco taco and pintos & cheese - but they have these new taco salads, and they were calling my name...

So yeah, I got off track a little. Then Jeff brought me back a corn dog from Krystal (I love their corn dogs!). I didn't make the healthiest choices, but what I did do was avoid a lot of unnecessary snacking. I also exercised, so I made up for it, at least a little.

Today my goal is to really pay attention to what I eat, and stay away from the junk food. I also have a date with the recumbent bike and a movie.

All is not lost, but I need to be very careful not to to make an out-of-control slide down a very slippery slope.

A Near-Miss

Yesterday got off to a good start, but wound up being an overload day. Our lunch plans (a healthy grilled Mexican chicken salad) were shot down when apparently the restaurant owners decided they should celebrate Easter, too. (Not that I blame them.) So we wound up at another local joint without any significant healthy options - at least none that I wanted to eat. To my credit, I didn't "lick the platter clean."

I did manage to stay out of the snack food at home, though. After church I wound up eating out again, and since I'd been craving pancakes lately, ordered a child's pancake plate at Cracker Barrel. I'll admit I was somewhat disappointed - the flapjacks just weren't as good as they usually are.

Then I got home too late to exercise. All of this is okay, though. I ate some food I had really wanted without going totally overboard, and it doesn't hurt to have a rest day here and there, either. This morning I felt a bit queasy - I think the milk I put in my coffee was bad or something - and so I didn't eat anything until lunch. I had another one of those yummy spinach-strawberry-chicken salads, and I think I'm going to finish it off with some pineapple chunks.

I should be going now... Monday calls.

Yay!

Progress - I lost three pounds this week! I know that most of it is probably water, but I don't care. The scale is moving in the appropriate direction. :)

Yesterday I took an exercise break so I could study and just chill a little. Tonight I will probably do another video.

I made some yummy, but healthy treats yesterday. First was a delightful salad - spinach leaves, strawberries, baked chicken (wish it'd been grilled, but alas - no grill), and fat-free raspberry vinaigrette. Sinful! Lots of dietary goodness, and it was soooo yummy!

The second treat was to curb my sweet tooth, which was begging for ice cream. I bought some fat-free vanilla ice cream (just 80 calories for 1/2 a cup) and paired it with a banana, fat-free caramel syrup and Hershey's dark chocolate syrup. A little of the syrups goes a long way, and really helps to deal with the craving for ice cream. The whole thing would've been the equivalent of 6 WWPs - a little decadent, but certainly better than indulging in a banana split from Sonic, eh?

I think breakfast is going to involve pineapple, banana, strawberry, apple and maybe some whole-grain toast with a smear of natural peanut butter.

Here's the key to all this: I've got to keep it doable for the long haul. If at any point I start to feel like I'm on a diet, that will be the end of it. That's part of the reason I'm not counting points - I just got tired of it the first time I was on Weight Watchers. Like I've said before, I am following the principles of the program, but not the letter.

Here's to the start of another great week!

Good Friday

It was so good to have a day off - two Saturdays are nice! :) I admittedly was quite lazy today - sleeping in until almost 11, then taking a nap again later in the day. Apparently I need to catch up on my beauty rest!

I didn't fritter away the entire day, though. I spent a good bit of time in the kitchen. First I cut up fresh strawberries, spread the pieces out on a baking pan, and froze them. Then they went to a ziploc baggie so I can easily make smoothies or whatever else suits my fancy. Next I tackled the pineapple, which wasn't as difficult as I'd expected. I'd read that you can squeeze juice from the peels, and I got quite a bit that way. I baked a batch of brown rice, then cooked a delicious sweet & sour dish.

Once I was finished in the kitchen, it was time to do some actual work, so I spent the next three hours or so cleaning the house. I still have more to do tomorrow, but it'll have to wait until Jeff leaves for work. I don't want to wake him while he's trying to rest between shifts. No exercise - hoofing it on the house counts, as far as I'm concerned! LOL

Hoping

I really hope that when I step on the scale Sunday I will have lost some weight. I've worked hard this week, exercising and trying my best to eat right (albeit on a budget). I did a tough sculpting video tonight, and my legs feel like jelly. I might not exercise tomorrow because I have serious housework to do - mopping, dusting, laundry - that sort of thing. I learned a long time ago that if I can burn some serious calories if I really attack the house instead of halfway cleaning at it.

Today I ate Uncle Sam's cereal with banana chunks for breakfast, a tuna-hummus-spinach English muffin sandwich, a small bowl of Fruity Pebbles, a miniature 3 Musketeers, a fresco chicken taco and pintos & cheese. I think I'll eat an apple for a bedtime snack.

I went grocery shopping and bought a lot of fruit - strawberries, pineapple, bananas, etc. Tomorrow I'll chop the berries and freeze them. I might do the same with the pineapple. Of course, I've never bought a pineapple, and I don't exactly know what to do with it (though I thought I might roast some of the slices in the oven.) Meals this coming week will be simple again, but I think I can tolerate that.

Here's to a healthy three-day weekend!

So far this week...

I've done well. I don't want to get too excited and brag too much, because it seems that I tend to backslide pretty quickly. It's like I jinx myself or something.

Anyway. . . I did a sculpting workout Monday and rode the recumbent last night. I'm keeping the workouts to 30 minutes because I don't want to burn out or try to do too much at one time.

So far, my food intake has also been good. I've tried to keep my portions down, and I've managed to eat relatively healthy foods. Still not counting points, per se, but I am at least giving careful consideration to what I do eat.

Next week will be tougher. We are ridiculously tight on money right now. It's going to be a struggle just to pay the bills, much less buy food to eat. I'll probably have to resort to scraping the pantry dry, which means decidedly less healthy food options. I'm praying that God will send a little extra our way. Jeff's new job will help, but it's going to take 2-3 weeks for him to get a paycheck, and we need the money now.

After a week and a half of no thyroid meds, I finally got a refill. It'll take a couple of days to get my system lined out again, but I'm starting to feel better already. It's rather pointless to try to lose weight when my thyroid is totally out of whack - I'm just spinning my wheels. I go to the doc in a couple of weeks, and I'm going to see if he'll give me T3 and T4 replacers, since I'm not convinced that everything is working as perfectly as I'd like it to.

Today is a rest day. I have homework and studying to do, plus it's church night. Tomorrow I'll be back to the sculpting videos.

Feelin' Good

NSV (non-scale victory) - Jeff brought home a yummy pizza last night - chicken, bacon, ranch, tomato, and feta cheese. Tasty as it looked, and even though I was a wee bit hungry, I only had one small piece. Yay me!

So far today I've had oatmeal with banana chunks, a couple of rice cakes, a spinach/tomato/cucumber salad with parmesan & a spray-on Caesar dressing, and a baked sweet potato with a wedge of French Onion Laughing Cow cheese. I was skeptical about the potato-LC combo, but it was fantastic. Tonight I'm thinking about baked tilapia with coconut breading. Mmmm....

I'm not counting points, and I'm not doing WW Core, either. I am somewhat following the principles - especially the "healthy guidelines" that tell you to eat 5 servings of fruits/veggies, 6 cups water, etc. Mostly I'm just watching my portions and trying to eat less junk.

Last night I baked an entire bag of chicken to use however we feel like this week. I'll use some of it for chicken salad - yum! I wish we had a decent grill, but that (like many other things) will have to wait.

Depending on how Bebo feels when I pick him up from school today, we might go to the old house and work for an hour or so. If not, I'll just do more housework here (like I did last night), and then I'm going to drag out one of my Firm DVDs. I am not sure yet how well it will work with my limited space, but I'm going to give it a whirl anyway. It will probably take a few tries for me to figure out how best to set up my workout space, and that's okay.

Must go now!

Better

Yes, today was pretty good (so far, at least - I suppose I could still ruin it). I managed to eat Mexican without having a disaster. No small feat, is it? I ate a grilled chicken salad topped with salsa instead of salad dressing, and about a dozen chips with salsa. For breakfast I had a PB & banana sandwich. Supper is going to be carrot sticks and a English muffin topped with homemade hummus, red pepper, and tuna. Sounds a little strange, but I'm up for anything, especially if it's cheap.

Last night I rode the recumbent for half an hour while doing light arm conditioning, then spent about 10 minutes doing various crunches. I finally figured out that I can do crunches on the bed without hurting my back. My mattress is firm enough that I still get the effect of the exercise, and it's definitely better than trying to do crunches on a hardwood floor. :)

I did it... I stepped on the scale. I knew it would be bad, so it didn't surprise me that I am only five pounds lighter than the day I went in the hospital to have Braeden.

But you know something? I don't care. I can't change what's already done. There's no sense in beating myself up because I lost the weight and gained it back, or even for gaining it in the first place. Can't do anything about it now, can I? I can only look forward, and that's what I am going to do.

Yesterday I got a piece of paper in the mail that really kicked me into gear. The first sentence read "The Chattanooga State Nursing Program is pleased to inform you of your acceptance into the 2009 night nursing class." Once I got over the excited jitters and called everyone I knew to tell them the news, it hit me that it's now or never. No more excuses. I am done being fat. I have a solid, concrete, real motivation.

A lot in my life has changed since January. So many things are looking up for the better - our new home, Jeff's new job, our marriage. . . might as well add my health to the list.

....and We're Off!

Haven't posted in a while because I haven't dieted in a while. My brain has just been too overloaded lately to think about eating healthy. The other gigantic problem is that fresh produce is way more expensive than ramen noodles and mac & cheese. But I've been thinking about it (as my "fat" jeans are getting increasingly uncomfortable) and have decided that it makes more sense to spend a litle extra money now instead of later.

My father-in-law is diabetic. He's in the hospital for the second time this year. While my family doesn't have a predisposition for diabetes, Jeff's does, and that means Braeden does, too. Yes, he's a skinny-mini, but I have got to change his habits now before permanent damage is done.

So I went to the store and bought (cheap) basic foods - tea, chicken, produce, whole wheat pasta - that sort of thing. I'm going to cook all the chicken at once and chop the veggies for the salad at the same time. We just can't afford the exotic stuff I really like, so we're going to have to get used to plain old food. bleh.

In a few minutes I'm heading over to the old house to do some serious cleaning. Depending on how hard we work, I might come home and do a WATP video or something. My big exercise goal for tonight is actually to make out a schedule for the month. I am more likely to work out if I schedule it in. It will be tough with finals coming up, but I am just going to have to make myself do it.

Oh, and I'm brining the scale from the old house. Time to face the music I've been avoiding for the last few months.

Just for Kicks

Thought I'd post again... I have lost a little bit of weight, though I'm not quite sure how much. (I wrote the starting number and put it in a safe place, and - you guessed it - promptly forgot where the safe place was.) Anyway, budget constraints mean I am not cooking the healthiest foods in the world. The difference is that I'm not eating out and I'm not eating as much. I'd like to be exercising, but with this latest bout of sinus/chest infection, my asthma is a mess and exercise is out of the question. I'm doing good to walk outside without hacking up a lung. But I am also feeling better every day, so maybe by next week I'll be able to go for a slow ride on the recumbent bike.

You gotta do what you gotta do. Hopefully I'll lose a little in the move next month. There's a patio and room to play outside, so we plan to get out as a family and play in the yard. (What a novel concept that is!)

So, overall - no complaints. I'm pleased with the progress.

Sick Today

I managed to get the cooking done, but you can forget about the housework. Just walking across the room is enough to send me into a coughing fit right now. That eliminates exercise for a bit, too.

I cooked all vegetarian dishes last night, although spaghetti with a bit of meat sauce is on the menu for later this week. Gotta use up the stuff in the freezer, ya know? This morning I had my fave iced coffee and oatmeal with bananas and about a teaspoon of chopped walnuts. Lately the oatmeal has been numero uno on my Crave List. Thankfully, a side effect of feeling crappy has been that I don't have much of an appetite, so despite it being close to my munchies time of the month, food is not so very appealing right now.

Guess that's it for now. Have a happy, restful Sunday!

New year, Day 2

I'm starting off the new year with a rip-roaring cough, nasal congestion, and sporadic asthma attacks. Not the best motivator for exercising, ya know? But that's okay. I tried quinoa yesterday - strange, but edible - though I'm uncertain how I'll get my family to eat it. I did manage to go grocery shopping, and at hubby's request, made a list of prices. He wants me to at least try shopping somewhere besides Wal-Mart, though in this area I am honestly not convinced I'm going to get things any cheaper. But I'm going along with him anyway, since he asked real nice. ;)

The vegetarian thing is going to happen slowly. I have some meat in the freezer that needs to be used up, and I don't want to make the transition a sudden, ugly thing for the rest of the fam.

I weighed myself this morning. I am not recording the weight here, so don't ask. However, I am going to jot it down in a safe place and hide the scale for a while. I wanted to have a reference point for later, and that's the only reason I got on it.

Now I'm off to slowly struggle through a day of housework and cooking, hopefully without inducing a coughing fit or asthma attack. Wish me luck!

A Series of Unfortunate Events

So I think I may have used this title for my other blog... shhh. Don't tell anyone that I'm plagiarizing myself.

In the last 2-3 weeks or so, events have occurred as follows:

1) I saw a picture of myself that kinda (okay, really) freaked me out.

2) I teasingly asked Bebo if I could ride his bike, and he said, "No, Mommy, you're too fat."

3) I spent almost an entire week grazing on food that wasn't even that great.

4) When my 5-year-old nephew said he wished he had a bigger mouth so he could eat more food, I told him he'd have to have a bigger tummy to hold it all. "You have a big tummy" was his reply.

These events were somewhat unfortunate, but not entirely so. Yes, my feelings were a bit hurt at the innocent comments of children. Yes, I was embarrassed at a picture of myself. Yes, I felt guilty for eating on autopilot yet again. In spite of all that - maybe because of it - I have a renewed sense of motivation. Amazingly, I haven't even wanted to eat for the last couple of days. I just don't have an appetite. Foods that I could graze on all day just aren't that appealing. It might be because I'm sick, but I know it's time to try something new.

We're trying to save money this year. With a move and a new vehicle, we are going to be tight on funds for a while, so I am dropping my $17/month Weight Watchers subscription. I don't need it, anyway. I've decided that it's time for a new approach, one that the whole family can take.

You see, I am tired of cooking for three different people. And while Bebo is quite fit and slender right now, his genetics are programmed otherwise. Jeff & I are in the worst shape of our lives, and I want our family to be healthier than that. I want more for Bebo than that. I fear that the day is coming when he will be embarrassed by my weight, and that would indeed break my heart.

So instead of dieting, per se, we are simply going to make healthy choices. Like it or not, my uber-picky child is going to learn to try new foods. We are going to cut out red meat almost entirely, and eat fish or poultry maybe once a week. I'm really getting tired of meat, anyway. I think I'd rather just eat veggies and pasta.

The other task for this new year is to exercise as a family. While I intend to use the recumbent bike and dust off the Firm equipment, I want us all to enjoy playtime together.

In other words - I want my family to be healthy. At this point, it's not so much about losing weight (though believe me, it is still a major goal) as it is living a lifestyle that gives us a long future and is glorifying to God. Frankly, my obsession with food can't be a positive spiritual role model for anyone.

I'm off now to find vegetarian recipes, and maybe order some wild rice and other items that I struggle to find in this podunk little town. A lot is changing for our family this year, and for once, I finally have hope that maybe we can change this aspect of our lives, too.

Ohhhh....

It is somewhat easy to flit through life, oblivious to (or possibly just ignoring) the obvious. Even easier is to distort the picture we see in the mirror to the point that we don't recognize the way someone else sees us until we are confronted with it at point-blank range and have no choice but to accept the truth.

I love to look at the world through a camera lens. What was once ordinary and unnoticed becomes art through a viewfinder. But this photographer hates to be photographed. I always say there's a reason I'm behind the camera instead of in front of it. Pictures of me are few and far between, so when I actually have one taken, it always comes as a bit of a shock.

I had one of those this weekend. Elle, if you read this, don't feel bad - it ain't your fault. I was trying to stand for that picture in such a way as not to look like the biggest person in the room, but there was no hiding the elephant in the purple shirt. It's always bad to see pictures of yourself - worse when you're the biggest person in the room by at least 75 pounds.

But I suppose I'm glad to have seen it. I needed that visual reminder of what I've let myself become. I am running out of time, and I have to get on it now.

Perhaps someday soon I'll be able to move past talking about it and actually do it.

The ultimate discouragement

You work hard allll week. You exercise. You drink your water. You watch your portions.

You don't lose weight.

Nope. None lost. In fact, you gain a pound and a half.

Seriously, I am going to give it one more week, and then I quit forever. This is ridiculous. I did everything right! What is wrong with me?!

Irritated

I have worked so hard this week - trying to do everything right - and all for naught, it seems. I haven't lost the first ounce. I know, I know, my official WI day is Monday, but usually the scale starts moving before then. I really mean I've done everything right. This is going to get discouraging fast if I am behaving and exercising for nothing.

NSV!!

I had asked Jeff to pick up a Chicken McNugget Happy Meal for me, with apple dippers instead of fries. Sure enough, they didn't get the order right, and I found myself staring at hot fries, crisp and fresh out of the fryer.


I LOVE McD's fries.


I ate one... and dumped the rest on the floor for my little dog to enjoy. Then I went into the kitchen and got an apple and a little natural PB to dip it in.I am SOOOO proud of myself! :)


So far, I've been pretty good this week. I am happy to report that I have exercised two days in a row, and tonight I plan to do a FIRM video. In case you can't tell, I am feeling a bit re-energized (or at least pretending to feel that way).

I would say "wish me luck," but somehow "wish me self-control" sounds better. :)

Long Time, No Post

That would be because I quit. I quit trying. Hardly a surprise, is it? The ironic part is that I'm studying all about healthy eating in a nutrition class while munching on Halloween candy. There's something wrong with this picture.

Don't know what to say, don't know what to do. Don't know how to get out of this rut of maintaining. It sucks.

On the Road to Nowhere

Or more precisely, the road to the same place I've been for the last two months.

Ugh. I just can't get my heart into this. I have to, but my mouth hasn't got the message. In some ways, I've done better the last couple of weeks - I'm not eating as much - but I'm still not making great choices. I did cook some pretty rockin' stuff this weekend, but . . . heck, I don't know what my problem is.

I'm frustrated. The only good thing I can say is that I haven't actually gained any weight. Frankly, though, that isn't much encouragement.