Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Not of My Own

I actually dislike Fraggle Rock, but Jeff bought Bebo a couple of the DVDs anyway. In one episode, a little Doozer strikes out for adventure, singing a song with the line "I'm on my own, I'm on my own, I'm my own." That doesn't really work out for her, though. She needs Gobo Fraggle to help her out of a mess.

In my weight loss "adventures" - yo-yoing around an 80-lb loss - I have come to realize something. For all the "if it is to be, it's up to me" talk, and all the "you CAN do it!" mantras, the truth remains - I can't do this on my own.

It's much more than just having a great support group, too. I've consistently left God out of the equation. I am not one of these religious loons you see on TV, but I do know what I believe and why I believe it. All these years of back-and-forth, losses and binges, successes and failures has just shown me how much I really need to rely on Him. I suppose part of me thinks that since I got myself into this mess in the first place, I should get myself out. Another part tells me that God is not impressed with such a petty request as one to lose a few (okay, a lot of) pounds.

And yet, deep down, I know that isn't true. I know that He can provide me with the self-discipline I so blatantly lack. I know that I should be feeding my emotions with Him instead of with food. I know that I can do it, but only with His help can I totally stay the course.

So my "mantra" has changed... I can do this - but only by the grace of God. I do not apologize for it, either. My Christianity is as much a part of me as anything else, and it has always brought out the best in me when I was at my lowest. It's time to let that happen again.

"I can do all things THROUGH CHRIST who strengthens me." Php 4:13

1 comment:

Renee said...

Whoa! Seriously, you took the words out of my mouth! I've never been very extroverted when it came to my faith. Actually, I have been very spiritually immature most of my adult life. I hardly ever used to talk about God, and always felt shy when talking about spiritual matters.

Your blog entry really spoke to me this morning, though...
I have struggled with food, weight and body issues since my pre-teen years. This past winter I found myself at my heaviest (6 mos or so after the birth of my 3rd child). I was a stranger in my own body and I hated the way that I felt. One night it was like God spoke to me and suddenly I saw things clearly for the first time... EVER. He spoke straight to my heart and I saw that my weakness and giving in to temptation had a LOT to do with the fact that I didn't recognize that I was being tempted in the first place! It never really occurred that Satan could be the one tempting me, that my overeating was actually sin and that I AM WEAK... not because of my lack of "willpower" but because I had never asked God for strength.

This relaizaton put a while new spin on things for me. Not that I am blameless for my weight gain, but it helps me to see where my weakness was. It was a spiritual weakness, not a personal one. And once I understood that I knew what I had to do: pray!

Looking back, my 2 biggest problems were 1) not giving Satan enough credit in terms of his abilities to invade my thoughts and life and 2) not realizing I could always ask God for His strength and guidance to resist temptation. (Imagine that!)

I felt that God was telling me that I needed to honor Him wth my body and I couldn't do that by eating unhealthy foods in excess or by sitting around, not being active. I'm finally aware of the fact that my body is not my own - I was bought at a price. And to continue to willingly engage in behavior that ruins it - defiles it- IS SIN!

So, now my inclination (rather than to "lose weight") is to serve Him and honor Him with my body by eating good food and staying active. And most of all I can honor Him by not hating what He created - ME!

Thanks for your comment on my blog. And thanks for writing such a good entry here.

-Renee