where I came from. . . and where I'm going. . .

I first joined Weight Watchers two years ago, just after my 28th birthday. As had become the pattern, my birthday sucked, and I sat alone, wallowing in self-pity. Something inside me clicked, and I realized that even though my world was spinning out of control, there was one thing left for me to take charge of - my health. Before the moment of inspiration could pass into the oblivion of good intentions never realized, I signed up for Curves, and the next Monday, Weight Watchers.

I jumped into both with a spectacular enthusiasm - and I did remarkably well. In nine months' time, I'd lost 80 pounds and went from a 24W to a 16. I was closing in on my college weight, and felt oh-so-good.

Then the inspiration fizzled. I went through even more life changes, and my dieting responded well to none of them. Before I knew it, I'd gained back all that I'd lost - plus a few extra pounds to boot.

Fast forward to my 30th birthday. This was the day I was supposed to be at my goal weight. I was supposed to be svelte and sexy and beautiful - and instead I felt like an elephant. Once again, something clicked. I realized that I'd been looking to Weight Watchers for a quick fix, a cure-all to an overeating problem that was far deeper than I'd understood. For the first time, I realized that food was my addiction - just as some people are addicted to alcohol or cigarettes. I used food as a pacifier, as a rebellion, as a friend. I'd been lonely and sad, and instead of turning to God with my hurts, I had allowed food cover them over like a temporary local anesthetic.

Once I came to this understanding, I knew it was time to try again. This time I had to face the whole situation differently. Dieting and exercise couldn't be a solution - they had to be a lifestyle. And that's what I'm working toward. The journey is going slower this time. It annoys me to no end to see myself in the mirror, knowing that I failed so royally. I don't like to admit my own shortcomings.

I work from home now, so it's been necessary to adjust my routine considerably from my last go-round. Having my son at home with me has made it especially challenging to exercise. I've started using the FIRM workouts. Hopefully I can gradually build up my library so I don't get too bored.

I'm also struggling to teach Braeden healthy life habits. I've been a rotten example, and the result is an overly picky kid who won't eat much of anything but mac n cheese, chicken nuggets, apple juice, and french fries. Sometimes he'll "exercise" with me - I hope that he will learn that fruits and vegetables are good things, too.

The plan is a little different than last time (more on that later), so I'm re-learning, and brushing up on the things I'd forgotten. I pray that this time I've given myself the tools to do it right - and to do it permanently.