Deadline

I have a deadline to meet, and I'm way behind schedule.

I wanted to be under 200 by the time I graduate in December. At 260ish right now, I ain't gonna make it. But I can still try, right?

We are B-R-O-K-E, BROKE, broke. As in no moolah to spare. This means that buying a ton of fruit and vegetables will not be likely. I will get what I can, but mostly I'm just going to have to exercise and eat a lot less. I can do that. I can do that.

In fact, I started toning this morning. I've got enough videos to have learned every move in the book that could possibly be done with dumbbells, and with a set of weights I bought from the Firm a few years ago, I can adjust quickly and easily to fit the move. I did upper body first, and this afternoon I'll do lower body. Tonight I'll do light cardio, and tomorrow I'll do a heavier cardio round. Then I'll just alternate days.

I can do this. I can do this.

Control

I'm losing it.

Not the weight - oh, how I wish that were the case! - no, I am losing my tenuous grip on control. If the fruits of the spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control, then I am most definitely lacking the last one. It doesn't just affect my weight loss attempts, either. I constantly battle myself, never doing what I want to do and never stopping what I don't want to do. (I think there's a Bible verse about that, too...)

I don't want to lose control now. Too much is at stake. I also know that I will never, ever, ever on my own manage to learn self-control - or self-discipline, or whatever you want to call it.

So my prayer is simply that I can keep myself in check. That is all.

School Is Easier

I've been working at home for a few years now. My first time on WW, I was working for the same company, but I still went into the office every day. I would pack food for the whole day - usually leftovers or a Smart Ones frozen dinner, applesauce, a granola bar, a piece of string cheese, and some fruit - plus several water bottles and Kool-Aid packets. It worked well for me - I allowed myself just enough to eat that I didn't get too hungry, and packing my lunch kept portion sizes under control.

Shortly after I lost 80 pounds, I made the transition to working from home. At that point, the weight started coming back on rather quickly. Since I didn't need to pack a lunch, I had a tendency to not plan my meals - and usually I wound up grazing on whatever was in the house. My husband didn't see a need to follow my dietary regime, so there was usually ample junk food available. It didn't take long for me to gain it all back, and then some.

Fast forward a few years (and more than a few half-hearted attempts at WW). I'm still working from home, but that will be changing soon. Two to three nights a week I am in nursing school, so I'm back to packing lunches. If all goes well, I'll be taking a nurse tech job in a hospital soon and phase out my current work-at-home position. I stay tired and crazy all the time, and I grab fast far more often than I should.

But school nights - school nights are much, much better. Not only do I pack healthy food, but I also do more exercising. The Allied Health department (nursing, dental hygiene, PTAs, etc) just got this fancy brand-new building, and it has long hallways and big flights of stairs - long enough that I can just barely get in two laps on a ten-minute break. I will walk 2-4 laps before class, and then squeeze in as many as I can on the 4-5 breaks we get each evening.

I think I will miss school, although I suspect that counting points will be even more interesting when I get that nursing license. For now, though, I am thankful that there are at least two nights a week that I can keep under control.

And This Week....

I am down another 2.2 pounds, for a grand total of an "official" 31.2 pounds lost, and an unofficial 36.2.

Woot!

Ten Percent

I met my first significant goal - 10% of total body weight lost.

Still, I can tell I'm losing steam. I have to get re-motivated before I gain it all back.

Brief update, in case you were wondering about me.

Just in case....

I had a bad week - then realized the reason was the impending arrival of Aunt Flo (I really detest that woman!). The next week I lost what I'd gained the previous week. This week, however, should result in a pretty good WI, if I don't completely blow it on chocolate after the test I have to take tonight.

At any rate, I've passed the 35-lb mark. That's 35 lost from my highest weight about a year ago. Granted, I haven't actively been trying to lose weight for a year, but I'm still counting that high point.

My goal is to be overweight when I walk across the stage at my pinning ceremony in December. According to my calculations, that will require a loss of 1.58139535 pounds per week. Can I do that? I think so, especially if I can finally start working in some exercise time. Should I succeed, it will also mean I passed the 100-lbs lost mark - something I failed to do the first time I successfully lost weight.

Wish me luck and a whole lotta self control!

They Noticed!

I am so excited to report that people are starting to notice my weight loss! After a month-long hiatus from school, two of my instructors and some of my friends commented that they could tell I was losing weight.

Talk about motivation to keep going! It was wonderful to buy new jeans, even though it's the only pair I will have that fits for a while. Once I get out of those, then I have a whole supply of clothes from when I lost weight before. I dug them out of the closet a couple of weeks ago, washed it all, and hung it up. I cannot wait to have some new stuff to wear again!!!

25

I've lost 25 pounds - 30 if you count from my highest weight.

Woot, woot!

Scrapbooking

A zillion years ago when I lost weight the first time, I kept a scrapbook. I decided to do it again this go-round, as it was such a wonderful motivator and reminder of how far I'd come. This time I set up a template that I'll use each week (I don't exactly have a lot of time to be making brand-new pages over and over), and eventually I will have it printed by Shutterfly in an 8x8 book.

Here's the interesting thing: I needed a before picture, and the most recent one I could find of myself was taken over nine months ago! Before that I could only find headshots of myself, not full-body shots. I hate having my picture taken, but it dawned on me that I'd effectively erased myself from my family's pictures simply because I couldn't stand seeing myself so . . . fat.

So, I will resolve to move in front of the camera every now and then, and not just for "after" pictures. Which brings me to another point - there's no "after" shot in the page I'm going to show you. My tripod is busted so I will have to wait for Jeff to take the picture, but I wanted to show off a little now. I'm really happy with the design, and just hoping that I can keep up with it with my busy schedule.

One more thing - it does start with week 14. That's how long I've been doing WW this time. I only just now started the book, though.

 

**ETA: I was shocked when I compared the two pics. Even though the first one is old, it was at my highest weight. I have accomplished far more than I realized!!

WW & cooking

I am now down 24 pounds. :)

And sometimes, no matter how great a recipe sounds, it just isn't edible. Case in point: Buffalo Chicken Meatloaf. It was awful. Might not ever cook with ground chicken again - which is saying a lot, because I went to a lot of trouble to find it in the first place!

But I do have a delicious-smelling Moroccan Chicken in my new crockpot. Hopefully it will be a little less disastrous.

And with that - good night!

20... and then some.

I have officially (finally!) passed the 20-lb mark. It's taken a while; Christmas really threw me off. But I am really back on track and raring to go. I've dropped one full size in jeans, and I am starting to see a difference when I look in the mirror.

I really would like to be overweight by December. Sounds weird, huh? Right now I'm classified as "morbidly obese" (shudder). I got really close to it once before, and I really really really want to be there again. It won't put me at my weight goal of 150-ish, but I will be much closer than I am right now.

I'm trying all kinds of new recipes, and trying to figure out how to work exercise into my insanely busy schedule. School starts again next week, and I've got to be ready to hit the ground running!

Ahem

In just over a year, I will be walking across a stage to receive a pin that says I've successfully survived nursing school. This is a big deal - bigger than a standard cap-and-gown affair. All the graduates wear white scrubs, speeches are made, and everyone sings Kum-Ba-Yah.

Okay, maybe not that song - but usually someone will sing. Point is, the ceremony is very personal and unique to the grads. I look forward to it more than I did my high school graduation.

I do not want to be fat when I walk across that stage. Especially not wearing white. I'd look like a beached whale.

Not exactly the image a health care worker wants to present.

So...

I'm a few weeks back into WW. I've lost 17 pounds. I still need to lose another 134.

Dear lord, did I just write that?

Yeah. I did.

So...

17 pounds down. I've finally started to exercise again. At school I walk the halls every chance I get. At home I'm doing arm curls when I'm stuck at the desk.

WW has just updated their program in such a way that encourages healthier, more natural food choices. I like it, I think - I just struggle to eat all that I'm supposed to. Who ever would have thought that would be possible? Even so, I'm making good choices so far.

Now I have to keep it up. I need to lose 2 pounds a week, and that ain't easy. Really, I'll be happy if I can walk across the stage at 180, but I'd like to be back to 153. It would be one hell of graduation gift to myself, eh?

Scales and Jeans

I have (quietly) been doing WW again since around the first of October. I am happy - nay, even thrilled! - to report that I have now lost 14.2 pounds and have fit into three pair of jeans that I have not worn in a year.

Woot!!

Week One Results

I lost 1.2 pounds. It wasn't the great start that I'd hoped for, but I will take it.

This week, I need to focus on two things: drinking more water and adding some exercise. Exercise worries me. The last time I tried it threw me into an asthma attack. I'm still recovering from a different attack that sent me to the ER. That was my first serious attack, and even though I now have all kinds of meds to help, I'm still a bit gun-shy of the whole thing.

Ah, well. Not thrilled about my start, but it's better than gaining, right?

False Mirrors

Have you ever looked in the mirror and been startled to realize you didn't know the person looking back at you? For whatever reason, for so long you thought you were looking at the "real" you, but then the light turned just right for you to see the truth - leaving you horrified at the blatant honesty that you somehow refused to see - instead, you created a false mirror to project the image of yourself that your mind had created.

I was looking at my blog archives. For three years I've made one pathetic attempt after another to lose weight. For three years I've struggled, usually halfheartedly, to make the person in the mirror congruent with the person in my head. I've said "no more!" and "this time I mean it!" and issued countless other pitiful excuses.

I'm not going to do that again. I'm too tired to offer up platitudes of repentance (maybe too embarrassed, too). At the same time, I don't feel a need to beat myself up, either.

I just have a goal... a simple one, at that. Tomorrow, I want to eat well. I want to make wise choices for every bite I put in my mouth. And I'd like to attempt some light exercise, if my asthma will allow it. The latter remains to be seen, but I will certainly try.

We shall see.

HUGE Victory!

Before I explain my blog title, I need to tell you that (once again) I am doing the Weight Watcher thing. I am beginning to feel like the Boy Who Cried Wolf - how many times can a girl say she's dieting before everyone just writes it off as another two-week phase? *sigh* I had a little scare one night during class - thought I might be having a heart attack - and even though my blood work looks pretty good, I realized I'd better nip it in the bud before I really had a major problem. So I rejoined WW for the umpteeth time. Really, now - I've completely lost count. I am also going to meetings this time 'round. Well, sorta. A lady I go to church with is a lifetime member, and she's trying a new approach to meetings. She'll be running a meeting at church, and I should be able to swing by on my lunch break. I'll really only have time to weigh in, but that's good enough for me.

Now, moving on to the story...

I am so proud of myself. :)

Yesterday was a long, busy day - but not a bad one. Peepop sang in a barbershop concert last night, and by the time I was ready to leave for the show, I'd accomplished every single one of the GHG's for the day, with 15.5 points to spare. I did this because I knew we'd be leaving early and I wouldn't have a chance to eat again for several hours.

Now, I thought we'd be going to Cracker Barrel after the show, since that's what we usually do. I can navigate CB just fine. Instead, we went to the cast party - and all they had was pizza and chips & dip. Mind you, I was starving.

Here's what I would have done two weeks ago: Eaten at least 3 pieces of pizza, plus a plateful of chips. I probably would've stopped at 3 only because there were other people there who wanted to eat also. Believe me, if I'd had pizza at home, 3 pieces would only have been an appetizer. lol

This is what I actually did: Found the smallest piece of plain cheese pizza I could (like I said - I was hungry, and I did still have 15 points left) and drank a glass of water.

That's it. You cannot imagine the self-restraint it took not to dive in, hungry as I was. I knew, though, that once I got started, I would have a hard time quitting, and I'd blow right past those 15 points.

Chalk up Big Victory Number One for me. :) Woot!!!!

MIA, WW, SIL

Funny how the internet turns everything into acronyms, eh? lol :)

First off - I gave up around July. My life got a little out of hand. Heck... it's still out of hand, but since it appears it will stay that way for a good long time, I better just learn to deal with it. Therefore, I rejoined WW online (online, because there are no meetings I can attend with my current class schedule).

And finally, my SIL is now my weight loss buddy. Here's to keeping each other on track!

My starting weight is 274.4. Ugh. What a horrid number. I have a long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long way to go.

Weigh-In 7.20.09

This morning wasn't quite so spectacular as last week, but I had expected that. However, the scale did show a loss, and even if it was only 0.6 pounds, I am happy. My blood sugar has been bottoming out, which means I have to eat something, which means I typically overdo it. Not really sure what is up with that, either.

Money has gotten tight, and the cupboards have naturally gone bare as a result - but as usual, God provided. I now have a little extra, and I am planning a much-needed trip to the grocery store. I still can't buy much, but at least I can look forward to more than rice, beans, and oatmeal for the next several days.

I know I've said this before, but I keep hearing so much talk about positive thinking, and "YOU can do it!" and "Dig deep within yourself to find your motivation!" and blah blah blah.

If anybody thinks they can really lose weight and keep it off permanently, while leaving God out of the equation - they've got another think coming. For that matter, I really don't believe it can be done without an entire network of supportive friends and family. It's sad to me that society keeps telling us we can do things on our own, without any help. We miss out on so much - the companionship and help of our friends and our Lord.

Okay. I'll descend now from my soapbox before I bore you to tears.

Victory Dance

Okay, okay... so I have no rhythm and do not dance. I'm excited anyway - this morning the scale informed me that I was down 4.4 pounds!

Woot!

Happy Birthday to Me!

I had a great birthday and ate too much - gained 0.4 pounds. However, that is pretty much negligible in my book, and could easily be chalked up to a little water retention. I am not complaining.

Today I join Curves, and I am very much looking forward to hopping onto the circuit and the old familiar machines. It is a workout I know and love, and even as I write this, I am somewhat amused at the thought of me actually excited at the prospect of a workout! When I return, I will post my starting measurements.

Can't wait to get started - I am feeling motivated and raring to go!