I Is What I Is

(x-post from the WW website)

I try to be a realist. Jeff tells me I'm pessimistic; I just say I am prepared for the worst. As a wannabe photographer, I try to look at the world in all its colors, to see the subtle nuances of all that is. As a wannabe writer, I relish detail. A simple "yes" or "no" is never good enough for me.

In spite of the attention to detail, in spite of looking so closely to see things as they really are, in spite of my search for what truly is - in spite of all that, I rarely turn that lens or pen on to myself. I don't want to know the truth about me, about what I am. It means having to face imperfection, which I disdain vigorously.

Why else do you think I am morbidly obese? I ignored the problem, chose not to see it, until the damage had been done.

So for today, I want to think about what I am - and what I am not. It's not a self-deprecating session; it's an honest look at myself, to see the bad right along with the good.

I am fat.
I am often lazy.
I am not always honest with myself.
I can see the flaws in others, but not in me.
I am jealous of those who I find prettier than me.
I wish I was popular and had a million friends, but I don't.
I self-medicate with food.

- BUT -

I am compassionate.
I am a good mother.
I am intelligent.
I am creative.
I am a hard worker when the task interests me.
I am patient.
I am forgiving.
I am generous.
I am filled to overflowing with big dreams.

All of the latter eclipse the former. Yes, I am fat. Yes, it's my own fault - and yes, I can do something about it, so long as I do not try to forget who I really am - the good and the bad.