A Series of Unfortunate Events

So I think I may have used this title for my other blog... shhh. Don't tell anyone that I'm plagiarizing myself.

In the last 2-3 weeks or so, events have occurred as follows:

1) I saw a picture of myself that kinda (okay, really) freaked me out.

2) I teasingly asked Bebo if I could ride his bike, and he said, "No, Mommy, you're too fat."

3) I spent almost an entire week grazing on food that wasn't even that great.

4) When my 5-year-old nephew said he wished he had a bigger mouth so he could eat more food, I told him he'd have to have a bigger tummy to hold it all. "You have a big tummy" was his reply.

These events were somewhat unfortunate, but not entirely so. Yes, my feelings were a bit hurt at the innocent comments of children. Yes, I was embarrassed at a picture of myself. Yes, I felt guilty for eating on autopilot yet again. In spite of all that - maybe because of it - I have a renewed sense of motivation. Amazingly, I haven't even wanted to eat for the last couple of days. I just don't have an appetite. Foods that I could graze on all day just aren't that appealing. It might be because I'm sick, but I know it's time to try something new.

We're trying to save money this year. With a move and a new vehicle, we are going to be tight on funds for a while, so I am dropping my $17/month Weight Watchers subscription. I don't need it, anyway. I've decided that it's time for a new approach, one that the whole family can take.

You see, I am tired of cooking for three different people. And while Bebo is quite fit and slender right now, his genetics are programmed otherwise. Jeff & I are in the worst shape of our lives, and I want our family to be healthier than that. I want more for Bebo than that. I fear that the day is coming when he will be embarrassed by my weight, and that would indeed break my heart.

So instead of dieting, per se, we are simply going to make healthy choices. Like it or not, my uber-picky child is going to learn to try new foods. We are going to cut out red meat almost entirely, and eat fish or poultry maybe once a week. I'm really getting tired of meat, anyway. I think I'd rather just eat veggies and pasta.

The other task for this new year is to exercise as a family. While I intend to use the recumbent bike and dust off the Firm equipment, I want us all to enjoy playtime together.

In other words - I want my family to be healthy. At this point, it's not so much about losing weight (though believe me, it is still a major goal) as it is living a lifestyle that gives us a long future and is glorifying to God. Frankly, my obsession with food can't be a positive spiritual role model for anyone.

I'm off now to find vegetarian recipes, and maybe order some wild rice and other items that I struggle to find in this podunk little town. A lot is changing for our family this year, and for once, I finally have hope that maybe we can change this aspect of our lives, too.

Ohhhh....

It is somewhat easy to flit through life, oblivious to (or possibly just ignoring) the obvious. Even easier is to distort the picture we see in the mirror to the point that we don't recognize the way someone else sees us until we are confronted with it at point-blank range and have no choice but to accept the truth.

I love to look at the world through a camera lens. What was once ordinary and unnoticed becomes art through a viewfinder. But this photographer hates to be photographed. I always say there's a reason I'm behind the camera instead of in front of it. Pictures of me are few and far between, so when I actually have one taken, it always comes as a bit of a shock.

I had one of those this weekend. Elle, if you read this, don't feel bad - it ain't your fault. I was trying to stand for that picture in such a way as not to look like the biggest person in the room, but there was no hiding the elephant in the purple shirt. It's always bad to see pictures of yourself - worse when you're the biggest person in the room by at least 75 pounds.

But I suppose I'm glad to have seen it. I needed that visual reminder of what I've let myself become. I am running out of time, and I have to get on it now.

Perhaps someday soon I'll be able to move past talking about it and actually do it.

The ultimate discouragement

You work hard allll week. You exercise. You drink your water. You watch your portions.

You don't lose weight.

Nope. None lost. In fact, you gain a pound and a half.

Seriously, I am going to give it one more week, and then I quit forever. This is ridiculous. I did everything right! What is wrong with me?!

Irritated

I have worked so hard this week - trying to do everything right - and all for naught, it seems. I haven't lost the first ounce. I know, I know, my official WI day is Monday, but usually the scale starts moving before then. I really mean I've done everything right. This is going to get discouraging fast if I am behaving and exercising for nothing.

NSV!!

I had asked Jeff to pick up a Chicken McNugget Happy Meal for me, with apple dippers instead of fries. Sure enough, they didn't get the order right, and I found myself staring at hot fries, crisp and fresh out of the fryer.


I LOVE McD's fries.


I ate one... and dumped the rest on the floor for my little dog to enjoy. Then I went into the kitchen and got an apple and a little natural PB to dip it in.I am SOOOO proud of myself! :)


So far, I've been pretty good this week. I am happy to report that I have exercised two days in a row, and tonight I plan to do a FIRM video. In case you can't tell, I am feeling a bit re-energized (or at least pretending to feel that way).

I would say "wish me luck," but somehow "wish me self-control" sounds better. :)

Long Time, No Post

That would be because I quit. I quit trying. Hardly a surprise, is it? The ironic part is that I'm studying all about healthy eating in a nutrition class while munching on Halloween candy. There's something wrong with this picture.

Don't know what to say, don't know what to do. Don't know how to get out of this rut of maintaining. It sucks.

On the Road to Nowhere

Or more precisely, the road to the same place I've been for the last two months.

Ugh. I just can't get my heart into this. I have to, but my mouth hasn't got the message. In some ways, I've done better the last couple of weeks - I'm not eating as much - but I'm still not making great choices. I did cook some pretty rockin' stuff this weekend, but . . . heck, I don't know what my problem is.

I'm frustrated. The only good thing I can say is that I haven't actually gained any weight. Frankly, though, that isn't much encouragement.

One Step Forward.... a Million Back

I gained another half-pound this week. You know what that means?

In five weeks, I have lost a net of 1.4 pounds. Good grief.

Oh, I know - I could make a million excuses. Some might even be justifiable. The cold, hard, ugly truth? I'm just not into it.

This week, I am committing to journal everything I eat.

Confession

I've been a bad, bad girl. I have eaten anything and everything I wanted, without regard to the consequences.

Now I am paying the price. The scale went up two pounds... so in four weeks, my net change has been -1.8 pounds. That is nothing short of pathetic - not because I'm hung up over the amount lost, but because I haven't been trying, and I know good and well I can do better.

It's not time for a new strategy. It's time for me to follow the one I've already laid out. My foot isn't getting any better, and won't until some of this weight comes off. I'm less than a year from starting the nursing program (Lord willing, of course), and I can't do it like this. It has to change.

Now.

Weigh in - Week 3

Down another 0.8 lbs. It ain't much, but at least it's going the right direction. And I'm still on target for my goal by next year.

That's 3.8 total. Maybe next week I'll have a kick-butt weigh-in.

Oh... and I just got Season 7 of Smallville on DVD. I have promised myself that the only way I could watch it is if I ride the bike at the same time. Allow me to say that Tom Welling is a great motivator - I rode through two episodes, for an hour's worth of exercise. I only quit because I had to study and get ready for church. :)

Weigh-in #2

Down one pound. Don't ask me how, given that this weekend seemed full of those sabotage moments - you know, when things go totally out of control, despite your best efforts.

So that's three down total. Can't complain. Just wish my foot felt better.

Officially Official

Yup. I joined WW online. I finally realized that I had to have the structure.

And the results?

Week one, down two pounds exactly. Okay, maybe not exactly, but the accuracy of my scale is somewhat in doubt - but at least it didn't go up.

Now I just have to survive Labor Day weekend. Shouldn't be too bad - I'm going to Mom's and she's great about making sure I have healthy options.

Sick + Update

Being sick makes it decidedly tough to exercise. Diet also goes out the window when your sore throat dictates the foods you can stand to eat.

In other words, three weeks after starting, I'm still holding steady at the same weight. This is not fun. I am so congested that I have asthma-like symptoms, so exercise it out of the question. I am hoping that I can maybe get some slower exercise on the bike this evening. I have good food to eat - maybe tonight that salad will taste a little better than it did Saturday evening, eh?

Checklist

Riding the new bike?
Check.

Making good food choices?
Check.

Losing weight?



Losing weight?




Losing weight????


Nope. No check. No weight lost. Nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

I have the bike!

It's here, it's here!
.
.
.
.
in about a million pieces all over the living room, that is! I wanted to assemble the bike last night, but Jeff had the only large-enough phillips-head screwdriver safely tucked away in the car. I guess he wanted the company while he delivered pizza. Anyway, I had to settle for waiting until tonight.

Since my foot was in considerable pain yesterday, I did absolutely nothing last night but sit on my butt. I guess doing a WATP video was a bad idea, and the doctor pressing his thumbs into the tender spot on my heel certainly didn't help. Tonight I'll have to clean the house, but I'm giving myself as much time as I can to rest my poor foot. I now have an anti-inflammatory, which should help, and I am going to try a different pair of heel inserts, too.

I also have a confession to make. I ate five - count 'em, five - chocolate-covered donuts yesterday. Total moment of weakness. Ugh. You wouldn't think something so lightweight could cause so much damage! The one thing I did do right yesterday was drink a heckuva lot of water - way past the recommended 8 cups.

Game plan for today: Stay OP. Clean house, assemble bike - and if I have energy after all that, actually use the dang thing for a while!

Monday Update

I'm frustrated, and I think I'm getting old or something. As hard as I try, I just seem to be holding steady with my weight. No gain, no loss. I have a physical scheduled for Thursday - something I've never done - and I'm going to have my cholesterol, thyroid, and everything checked that they can think of. I wonder if maybe my thyroid meds are off or something.

I've decided to go into a full-blown attempt at Core. It worked before, and maybe by sticking to it strictly, I'll do a little better.

It's going to be a busy week - the start of many. I have to start managing my time very carefully if I'm going to accomplish the daily tasks and exercise and eat right. I hope I can do it.

Love my daddy!

Funny how people can be on the same wavelength at the same time...

I've been struggling with motivation. No surprise there. It seems that after that first go-round, when I did so remarkably well, my drive to keep going just completely fizzled. I was on the phone with Mom, discussing this very thing. Do I got back to Weight Watchers or try it online? Or should I try something different altogether?

One problem I've had lately is that my feet are constantly hurting. Based on research, and a tip from a friend, I'm reasonably sure I have a nifty case of plantar fasciitis going on. Unfortunately, being on my feet makes it hurt worse, so exercise feels like its bringing more pain than gain. I'd looked at exercise bikes, but hadn't found exactly what I wanted.

Anyway... back to Mom. She has a call come in from Dad and says she'll call me right back. A few minutes later, the phone rings, and she's laughing. Turns out that as we were talking about my Big Dilemma, Dad was on the internet ordering me a bike! LOL

Even better - he got me exactly the kind of bike I had wanted but couldn't find. Here's a picture:



I had tried a similar bike at Curves and loved how comfortable it was. The back support and seat are fantastic - you don't get a sore bum and your back doesn't ache. Plus it's a fairly quiet bike, so you can watch TV, read, or do whatever. It should roll in here (hee-hee - get it? roll in here?) in a couple of weeks, and I can get some quality cardio time without hurting my feet so badly.

Love you, Dad! :)

Be Careful What You Wish For

I got mine... weighed in this morning... exactly what I weighed in last Sunday.

Grrrrrrrrr.......................

Sunday, No Weigh-In

It didn't take long... I'm already feeling discouraged. Typically the munchies strike about a week before AF - this month, the munchies decided to visit early. It hasn't helped that things have been so utterly hectic. We just got back from a whirlwind trip to Mom's, where I ate too much much (couldn't let a Mrs. Pace's chocolate cake just sit there untried, could I?), even though for the most part I at least attempted to make good choices.

This week should be a little bit slower, so I am resolving to exercise at least three times. I only have Wednesday night tied up with church. Maybe I can squeeze some much-needed housework in while I'm at it.

I wasn't home this morning to weigh in (on my terribly inaccurate and inconsistent scale), so I will check in tomorrow with a number that I am praying is at least no more than last week's. We shall see, eh?

Mid-Week Check-In

Yup. I definitely picked a tough week to start a diet. With the meetings at night, it means that we have been eating out after church. That's not so much a problem - I have learned to navigate my way through a menu. The real issue is that I depend on leftovers for healthy lunches. Often I revamp them a bit (i.e., using grilled chicken to make pitas or salads), but operating like this is both a time-saver and money-saver. Without leftovers this week, and with a dwindling stash in the refrigerator, meals have been tough. I'm doing the best I can, though.

I have managed to squeeze in one workout, plus a 90-minute house-cleaning frenzy. Tonight will be more cleaning (heavy stuff like mopping and vacuuming and that sort of thing), and I might get ambitious and do a workout video if I'm not too tired.

This weekend I'm heading to Mom's, which shouldn't be too bad. Mom & Dad are always so supportive of my weight loss attempts, and they go out of their way to make sure the menu is good for me.

So that's my update for the week. I've stepped on the scales a few times, but I'm not paying much attention to the numbers until Sunday. Ta-ta!

Monday, Monday...

I always seem to pick the worst weeks to start a new habit! We're having a gospel meeting at church, and my evenings are completely tied up through Wednesday. It's going to make finding exercise time tough, and eating right tougher.

Must press on... must press on...

This week's goals are to drink my 64 oz of water each day and to exercise 4x, for at least 10 minutes each. Also, I created a journal on the computer to record what I eat and my exercise for the day. One thing I've learned my from Weight Watcher days is that journaling really does keep me more accountable. At the very least, it helps me understand the trends in my weight changes.

I just started in the middle of last week, but each Monday I want to list a few things I accomplished the previous week. I am proud that I pulled out a WATP video and FIRM video, even if they were short ones. I ate out a few times, but made healthy choices.

To quote one of Bebo's favorite little blue engines: I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

Where the Pedal Meets the Metal

I have a confession to make. This blog came dangerously close to deletion - my finger was on the button more than once. I quit. I didn't care. (Okay, I did care, but not enough to do anything.)

I had to quit WW because of transportation. Again. And since I was only partially motivated anyway, quitting meetings popped the balloon entirely on my drive.

But big changes are happening in my life. This fall I am taking prerequisites to the nursing program, and if all goes well, I'll be accepted and actually beginning my clinicals in just a little over a year. Here's the thing: I am so horribly out of shape and obese that I can't be on my feet for more than 30 minutes at a time. They hurt so much it feels like I'm walking on gravel.

Do you know what I want to do? I want to help deliver babies. I want to work in the NICU, with preemies and AIDS babies and crack babies. I want to eventually get a midwife certification and do missions work in Africa, teaching pregnant women and new mothers how to take care of themselves and their children.

And I can't do any of that unless this weight comes off. Besides being a horrible example, it's so inhibiting... I have to be able to survive clinicals, not to mention 12-hour shifts. It just ain't gonna happen in my current state. The weight has to come off. It has to happen. No more goofing off. No more excuses. No more late-night Krystal runs. No more pretending that what goes in my mouth won't land right on my thighs.

It's now or never. This is the end. My dreams can't go on hold any longer.

Post-Game Score

I really need to update the look of this blog. That might be my project for today. . .

Anyhoo - official weigh-in last night: down 2 lbs. I breathed such a sigh of relief. It's discouraging to go a whole month without any change.

If all goes well (though nothing has, of late), I will exercise this evening. I'll keep ya posted.

Monday, Monday

All I really want to do is take a nap. This is not what is going to happen. Spurred on by seasonal allergies, my cough is getting out of control. I did set up an exercise schedule, but might not be feeling well enough to start. I tried to keep it very simple. No routine is longer than 40 minutes, and I've schedule easy routines that I know won't kill me.

But this afternoon I have a dentist appointment and a WW meeting - and something tells me I may be so worn out when I get home that exercise will be the farthest thing from my mind.

Me, this week.

Frustrated and discouraged and really wanting to give up but really afraid to at the same time. I wanted to exercise, but between being sick, finicky computers, and a car accident (no one was hurt), physical activity has not been on the radar. I'm trying so hard to behave myself. Well - at least after eating the last of the birthday cake. I finally shoved it in the trash can so I wouldn't be tempted to eat it all by myself. The dumb thing is - I don't even like store-bought cakes.

I'm tired and cranky. Maybe tomorrow will be better. At least I can say I didn't totally blow it today; I kept fairly well in the realms of the Core rules. . . excepting the piece of cornbread and half a biscuit I ate at Cracker Barrel tonight. I have the whole weekend ahead of me to restrain myself. Wish me luck.

Exercise - the Final Frontier

I hate to exercise. It's exacerbated by being so pitifully out of shape. I need to just buckle down and do it, but - I. Don't. Wanna.

Got to.

Don't wanna!

Got to.

Don't wanna!

(hear the little shoulder angel/devil dueling?)

I am not going to exercise tonight. However, I am going to bust my tail cleaning my house, which does count as exercise. Trust me - with the condition I let my house get into, I can burn some serious calories.

So I'm off now - to boldly clean when no man has cleaned before!

Motivation Is a Good Thing

Yessiree. Every time I've even considered putting food in my mouth that I didn't really need, that hideous picture popped into my brain like a flashing neon billboard. So far, I've done well. The weekend might get tough, but I'm behaving right now. I even turned down a biscuit and cornbread at Cracker Barrel last night! Do you know how hard that is for me to do??

Since I haven't shared a recipe lately, thought I'd clue you in on a couple of high-yumminess-factor meals.

First (and oh-so-easy), bake a sweet potato. Spoon on a little bit of unsweetened coconut milk, add some curry powder and garam masala (it's a spice blend - find it with the rest of the spices at the grocery store), and mash it all together. De-stinkin'-licious. Easy lunch, too, especially if you buy those plastic-wrapped potatoes.

Second: egg salad. Since I'm on Core, I can have the whole egg, though it probably would be better to leave out half the yolks. Still, the yolk is my favorite part. Anyhoo - boil a dozen eggs. Add in fat-free Miracle Whip (or mayo if you're that kind of person), spicy mustard, curry powder, freshly ground black pepper, and sea salt. All ingredients to taste - I just dump it in until I get the texture I want. Delish. Really.

Think I'm going to grill tonight... shish-ka-bobs sound good, no?

Defining Moment

I swore I'd never do it, but I used the "no-weigh" pass tonight. I knew the scale would show a gain, and I simply didn't need that discouragement.

That being said, I had a good food day. I resisted the urge for a bean burrito, and ate (mostly) Core foods. It meant a little improvising, since I haven't done a major shopping trip lately. I did make a fabulous chicken salad (I eat the stuff for breakfast, it's so good!), and I have boiled eggs cooling for an egg salad, too.

In other matters... have you ever had one of those Defining Moments? You know, that trigger that suddenly snaps you back to reality? I had one. A big one. I even hesitate to post this, but the truth is those of you who know me beyond the cyberworld already know what I look like.

Jeff had a "change project" due for school. He had to improve someone (who naturally wound up being me) by encouraging regular exercise. Ha! Because of rain and infrequent opportunity, we only walked 3 days. This meant we had to stage some photographs at the track, which is where that Defining Moment took place.

When I saw the pictures, I was horrified. Literally. I wanted to cry. I didn't know I looked like that. It's not exactly an angle I see often, you know? I just can't believe that's me - it doesn't feel like me! But I know the camera didn't lie. How did I let myself get to this point? My word, I'm a cow.

I think I'm going to enlarge this photo and hang it on the refrigerator. And the pantry. And my computer. And the rearview mirror. I do not want to be this person. Ever. No way. This is not who I am!!!

Time for Handslapping

I've been bad, in the worst sort of way. Without going into too much detail, about halfway through my cycle... bring on the munchies! I get this absurd urge to eat everything, whether I'm remotely hungry or not.

So, in that spirit, I am returning to Core this week. Because I can't eat out on Core, I'm hoping it will keep me in check.

Maybe.

Then again, after facing the disaster that will be my weigh-in tomorrow, maybe not. I might have to go bury my sorrows in a hot fudge cake sundae.

Week 5

Reporting in... I didn't lose this week. I also didn't gain. I think that's to be expected, actually. I've passed the magical 30-year-old mark, and it seems that the weight will not come off quite so easily as when I was 3 years younger. Besides, last week was so great, it somewhat offsets the maintenance of the scale. I didn't gain. This makes me happy. :)

I have tried some wonderful new foods lately. I'm quite taken with Asian- & island-inspired cuisine. I've got to work out a couple of kinks, but I'll be posting recipes as soon as I get them a little bit more to my liking. I love that WW encourages me to try new foods - makes life interesting.

Here's my page for the week. I keep forgetting to take the album to my meeting. Gotta remember that next time!