Deadline

I have a deadline to meet, and I'm way behind schedule.

I wanted to be under 200 by the time I graduate in December. At 260ish right now, I ain't gonna make it. But I can still try, right?

We are B-R-O-K-E, BROKE, broke. As in no moolah to spare. This means that buying a ton of fruit and vegetables will not be likely. I will get what I can, but mostly I'm just going to have to exercise and eat a lot less. I can do that. I can do that.

In fact, I started toning this morning. I've got enough videos to have learned every move in the book that could possibly be done with dumbbells, and with a set of weights I bought from the Firm a few years ago, I can adjust quickly and easily to fit the move. I did upper body first, and this afternoon I'll do lower body. Tonight I'll do light cardio, and tomorrow I'll do a heavier cardio round. Then I'll just alternate days.

I can do this. I can do this.

Control

I'm losing it.

Not the weight - oh, how I wish that were the case! - no, I am losing my tenuous grip on control. If the fruits of the spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control, then I am most definitely lacking the last one. It doesn't just affect my weight loss attempts, either. I constantly battle myself, never doing what I want to do and never stopping what I don't want to do. (I think there's a Bible verse about that, too...)

I don't want to lose control now. Too much is at stake. I also know that I will never, ever, ever on my own manage to learn self-control - or self-discipline, or whatever you want to call it.

So my prayer is simply that I can keep myself in check. That is all.

School Is Easier

I've been working at home for a few years now. My first time on WW, I was working for the same company, but I still went into the office every day. I would pack food for the whole day - usually leftovers or a Smart Ones frozen dinner, applesauce, a granola bar, a piece of string cheese, and some fruit - plus several water bottles and Kool-Aid packets. It worked well for me - I allowed myself just enough to eat that I didn't get too hungry, and packing my lunch kept portion sizes under control.

Shortly after I lost 80 pounds, I made the transition to working from home. At that point, the weight started coming back on rather quickly. Since I didn't need to pack a lunch, I had a tendency to not plan my meals - and usually I wound up grazing on whatever was in the house. My husband didn't see a need to follow my dietary regime, so there was usually ample junk food available. It didn't take long for me to gain it all back, and then some.

Fast forward a few years (and more than a few half-hearted attempts at WW). I'm still working from home, but that will be changing soon. Two to three nights a week I am in nursing school, so I'm back to packing lunches. If all goes well, I'll be taking a nurse tech job in a hospital soon and phase out my current work-at-home position. I stay tired and crazy all the time, and I grab fast far more often than I should.

But school nights - school nights are much, much better. Not only do I pack healthy food, but I also do more exercising. The Allied Health department (nursing, dental hygiene, PTAs, etc) just got this fancy brand-new building, and it has long hallways and big flights of stairs - long enough that I can just barely get in two laps on a ten-minute break. I will walk 2-4 laps before class, and then squeeze in as many as I can on the 4-5 breaks we get each evening.

I think I will miss school, although I suspect that counting points will be even more interesting when I get that nursing license. For now, though, I am thankful that there are at least two nights a week that I can keep under control.

And This Week....

I am down another 2.2 pounds, for a grand total of an "official" 31.2 pounds lost, and an unofficial 36.2.

Woot!

Ten Percent

I met my first significant goal - 10% of total body weight lost.

Still, I can tell I'm losing steam. I have to get re-motivated before I gain it all back.

Brief update, in case you were wondering about me.

Just in case....

I had a bad week - then realized the reason was the impending arrival of Aunt Flo (I really detest that woman!). The next week I lost what I'd gained the previous week. This week, however, should result in a pretty good WI, if I don't completely blow it on chocolate after the test I have to take tonight.

At any rate, I've passed the 35-lb mark. That's 35 lost from my highest weight about a year ago. Granted, I haven't actively been trying to lose weight for a year, but I'm still counting that high point.

My goal is to be overweight when I walk across the stage at my pinning ceremony in December. According to my calculations, that will require a loss of 1.58139535 pounds per week. Can I do that? I think so, especially if I can finally start working in some exercise time. Should I succeed, it will also mean I passed the 100-lbs lost mark - something I failed to do the first time I successfully lost weight.

Wish me luck and a whole lotta self control!

They Noticed!

I am so excited to report that people are starting to notice my weight loss! After a month-long hiatus from school, two of my instructors and some of my friends commented that they could tell I was losing weight.

Talk about motivation to keep going! It was wonderful to buy new jeans, even though it's the only pair I will have that fits for a while. Once I get out of those, then I have a whole supply of clothes from when I lost weight before. I dug them out of the closet a couple of weeks ago, washed it all, and hung it up. I cannot wait to have some new stuff to wear again!!!

25

I've lost 25 pounds - 30 if you count from my highest weight.

Woot, woot!

Scrapbooking

A zillion years ago when I lost weight the first time, I kept a scrapbook. I decided to do it again this go-round, as it was such a wonderful motivator and reminder of how far I'd come. This time I set up a template that I'll use each week (I don't exactly have a lot of time to be making brand-new pages over and over), and eventually I will have it printed by Shutterfly in an 8x8 book.

Here's the interesting thing: I needed a before picture, and the most recent one I could find of myself was taken over nine months ago! Before that I could only find headshots of myself, not full-body shots. I hate having my picture taken, but it dawned on me that I'd effectively erased myself from my family's pictures simply because I couldn't stand seeing myself so . . . fat.

So, I will resolve to move in front of the camera every now and then, and not just for "after" pictures. Which brings me to another point - there's no "after" shot in the page I'm going to show you. My tripod is busted so I will have to wait for Jeff to take the picture, but I wanted to show off a little now. I'm really happy with the design, and just hoping that I can keep up with it with my busy schedule.

One more thing - it does start with week 14. That's how long I've been doing WW this time. I only just now started the book, though.

 

**ETA: I was shocked when I compared the two pics. Even though the first one is old, it was at my highest weight. I have accomplished far more than I realized!!

WW & cooking

I am now down 24 pounds. :)

And sometimes, no matter how great a recipe sounds, it just isn't edible. Case in point: Buffalo Chicken Meatloaf. It was awful. Might not ever cook with ground chicken again - which is saying a lot, because I went to a lot of trouble to find it in the first place!

But I do have a delicious-smelling Moroccan Chicken in my new crockpot. Hopefully it will be a little less disastrous.

And with that - good night!

20... and then some.

I have officially (finally!) passed the 20-lb mark. It's taken a while; Christmas really threw me off. But I am really back on track and raring to go. I've dropped one full size in jeans, and I am starting to see a difference when I look in the mirror.

I really would like to be overweight by December. Sounds weird, huh? Right now I'm classified as "morbidly obese" (shudder). I got really close to it once before, and I really really really want to be there again. It won't put me at my weight goal of 150-ish, but I will be much closer than I am right now.

I'm trying all kinds of new recipes, and trying to figure out how to work exercise into my insanely busy schedule. School starts again next week, and I've got to be ready to hit the ground running!

Ahem

In just over a year, I will be walking across a stage to receive a pin that says I've successfully survived nursing school. This is a big deal - bigger than a standard cap-and-gown affair. All the graduates wear white scrubs, speeches are made, and everyone sings Kum-Ba-Yah.

Okay, maybe not that song - but usually someone will sing. Point is, the ceremony is very personal and unique to the grads. I look forward to it more than I did my high school graduation.

I do not want to be fat when I walk across that stage. Especially not wearing white. I'd look like a beached whale.

Not exactly the image a health care worker wants to present.

So...

I'm a few weeks back into WW. I've lost 17 pounds. I still need to lose another 134.

Dear lord, did I just write that?

Yeah. I did.

So...

17 pounds down. I've finally started to exercise again. At school I walk the halls every chance I get. At home I'm doing arm curls when I'm stuck at the desk.

WW has just updated their program in such a way that encourages healthier, more natural food choices. I like it, I think - I just struggle to eat all that I'm supposed to. Who ever would have thought that would be possible? Even so, I'm making good choices so far.

Now I have to keep it up. I need to lose 2 pounds a week, and that ain't easy. Really, I'll be happy if I can walk across the stage at 180, but I'd like to be back to 153. It would be one hell of graduation gift to myself, eh?

Scales and Jeans

I have (quietly) been doing WW again since around the first of October. I am happy - nay, even thrilled! - to report that I have now lost 14.2 pounds and have fit into three pair of jeans that I have not worn in a year.

Woot!!

Week One Results

I lost 1.2 pounds. It wasn't the great start that I'd hoped for, but I will take it.

This week, I need to focus on two things: drinking more water and adding some exercise. Exercise worries me. The last time I tried it threw me into an asthma attack. I'm still recovering from a different attack that sent me to the ER. That was my first serious attack, and even though I now have all kinds of meds to help, I'm still a bit gun-shy of the whole thing.

Ah, well. Not thrilled about my start, but it's better than gaining, right?

False Mirrors

Have you ever looked in the mirror and been startled to realize you didn't know the person looking back at you? For whatever reason, for so long you thought you were looking at the "real" you, but then the light turned just right for you to see the truth - leaving you horrified at the blatant honesty that you somehow refused to see - instead, you created a false mirror to project the image of yourself that your mind had created.

I was looking at my blog archives. For three years I've made one pathetic attempt after another to lose weight. For three years I've struggled, usually halfheartedly, to make the person in the mirror congruent with the person in my head. I've said "no more!" and "this time I mean it!" and issued countless other pitiful excuses.

I'm not going to do that again. I'm too tired to offer up platitudes of repentance (maybe too embarrassed, too). At the same time, I don't feel a need to beat myself up, either.

I just have a goal... a simple one, at that. Tomorrow, I want to eat well. I want to make wise choices for every bite I put in my mouth. And I'd like to attempt some light exercise, if my asthma will allow it. The latter remains to be seen, but I will certainly try.

We shall see.

HUGE Victory!

Before I explain my blog title, I need to tell you that (once again) I am doing the Weight Watcher thing. I am beginning to feel like the Boy Who Cried Wolf - how many times can a girl say she's dieting before everyone just writes it off as another two-week phase? *sigh* I had a little scare one night during class - thought I might be having a heart attack - and even though my blood work looks pretty good, I realized I'd better nip it in the bud before I really had a major problem. So I rejoined WW for the umpteeth time. Really, now - I've completely lost count. I am also going to meetings this time 'round. Well, sorta. A lady I go to church with is a lifetime member, and she's trying a new approach to meetings. She'll be running a meeting at church, and I should be able to swing by on my lunch break. I'll really only have time to weigh in, but that's good enough for me.

Now, moving on to the story...

I am so proud of myself. :)

Yesterday was a long, busy day - but not a bad one. Peepop sang in a barbershop concert last night, and by the time I was ready to leave for the show, I'd accomplished every single one of the GHG's for the day, with 15.5 points to spare. I did this because I knew we'd be leaving early and I wouldn't have a chance to eat again for several hours.

Now, I thought we'd be going to Cracker Barrel after the show, since that's what we usually do. I can navigate CB just fine. Instead, we went to the cast party - and all they had was pizza and chips & dip. Mind you, I was starving.

Here's what I would have done two weeks ago: Eaten at least 3 pieces of pizza, plus a plateful of chips. I probably would've stopped at 3 only because there were other people there who wanted to eat also. Believe me, if I'd had pizza at home, 3 pieces would only have been an appetizer. lol

This is what I actually did: Found the smallest piece of plain cheese pizza I could (like I said - I was hungry, and I did still have 15 points left) and drank a glass of water.

That's it. You cannot imagine the self-restraint it took not to dive in, hungry as I was. I knew, though, that once I got started, I would have a hard time quitting, and I'd blow right past those 15 points.

Chalk up Big Victory Number One for me. :) Woot!!!!

MIA, WW, SIL

Funny how the internet turns everything into acronyms, eh? lol :)

First off - I gave up around July. My life got a little out of hand. Heck... it's still out of hand, but since it appears it will stay that way for a good long time, I better just learn to deal with it. Therefore, I rejoined WW online (online, because there are no meetings I can attend with my current class schedule).

And finally, my SIL is now my weight loss buddy. Here's to keeping each other on track!

My starting weight is 274.4. Ugh. What a horrid number. I have a long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long way to go.

Weigh-In 7.20.09

This morning wasn't quite so spectacular as last week, but I had expected that. However, the scale did show a loss, and even if it was only 0.6 pounds, I am happy. My blood sugar has been bottoming out, which means I have to eat something, which means I typically overdo it. Not really sure what is up with that, either.

Money has gotten tight, and the cupboards have naturally gone bare as a result - but as usual, God provided. I now have a little extra, and I am planning a much-needed trip to the grocery store. I still can't buy much, but at least I can look forward to more than rice, beans, and oatmeal for the next several days.

I know I've said this before, but I keep hearing so much talk about positive thinking, and "YOU can do it!" and "Dig deep within yourself to find your motivation!" and blah blah blah.

If anybody thinks they can really lose weight and keep it off permanently, while leaving God out of the equation - they've got another think coming. For that matter, I really don't believe it can be done without an entire network of supportive friends and family. It's sad to me that society keeps telling us we can do things on our own, without any help. We miss out on so much - the companionship and help of our friends and our Lord.

Okay. I'll descend now from my soapbox before I bore you to tears.

Victory Dance

Okay, okay... so I have no rhythm and do not dance. I'm excited anyway - this morning the scale informed me that I was down 4.4 pounds!

Woot!

Happy Birthday to Me!

I had a great birthday and ate too much - gained 0.4 pounds. However, that is pretty much negligible in my book, and could easily be chalked up to a little water retention. I am not complaining.

Today I join Curves, and I am very much looking forward to hopping onto the circuit and the old familiar machines. It is a workout I know and love, and even as I write this, I am somewhat amused at the thought of me actually excited at the prospect of a workout! When I return, I will post my starting measurements.

Can't wait to get started - I am feeling motivated and raring to go!

Week 2

The scale moved in the right direction - finally! I did have to buy a new scale, but I still think I managed to lose somewhere between 2-3 pounds.

Can't tell you how much I needed that little boost to keep going.

I Is What I Is

(x-post from the WW website)

I try to be a realist. Jeff tells me I'm pessimistic; I just say I am prepared for the worst. As a wannabe photographer, I try to look at the world in all its colors, to see the subtle nuances of all that is. As a wannabe writer, I relish detail. A simple "yes" or "no" is never good enough for me.

In spite of the attention to detail, in spite of looking so closely to see things as they really are, in spite of my search for what truly is - in spite of all that, I rarely turn that lens or pen on to myself. I don't want to know the truth about me, about what I am. It means having to face imperfection, which I disdain vigorously.

Why else do you think I am morbidly obese? I ignored the problem, chose not to see it, until the damage had been done.

So for today, I want to think about what I am - and what I am not. It's not a self-deprecating session; it's an honest look at myself, to see the bad right along with the good.

I am fat.
I am often lazy.
I am not always honest with myself.
I can see the flaws in others, but not in me.
I am jealous of those who I find prettier than me.
I wish I was popular and had a million friends, but I don't.
I self-medicate with food.

- BUT -

I am compassionate.
I am a good mother.
I am intelligent.
I am creative.
I am a hard worker when the task interests me.
I am patient.
I am forgiving.
I am generous.
I am filled to overflowing with big dreams.

All of the latter eclipse the former. Yes, I am fat. Yes, it's my own fault - and yes, I can do something about it, so long as I do not try to forget who I really am - the good and the bad.

Week 1

I did everything right, I swear it. Sadly, it was not enough. I gained a pound.

*sigh* I guess it's on to next week. Maybe it will be better.

Not of My Own

I actually dislike Fraggle Rock, but Jeff bought Bebo a couple of the DVDs anyway. In one episode, a little Doozer strikes out for adventure, singing a song with the line "I'm on my own, I'm on my own, I'm my own." That doesn't really work out for her, though. She needs Gobo Fraggle to help her out of a mess.

In my weight loss "adventures" - yo-yoing around an 80-lb loss - I have come to realize something. For all the "if it is to be, it's up to me" talk, and all the "you CAN do it!" mantras, the truth remains - I can't do this on my own.

It's much more than just having a great support group, too. I've consistently left God out of the equation. I am not one of these religious loons you see on TV, but I do know what I believe and why I believe it. All these years of back-and-forth, losses and binges, successes and failures has just shown me how much I really need to rely on Him. I suppose part of me thinks that since I got myself into this mess in the first place, I should get myself out. Another part tells me that God is not impressed with such a petty request as one to lose a few (okay, a lot of) pounds.

And yet, deep down, I know that isn't true. I know that He can provide me with the self-discipline I so blatantly lack. I know that I should be feeding my emotions with Him instead of with food. I know that I can do it, but only with His help can I totally stay the course.

So my "mantra" has changed... I can do this - but only by the grace of God. I do not apologize for it, either. My Christianity is as much a part of me as anything else, and it has always brought out the best in me when I was at my lowest. It's time to let that happen again.

"I can do all things THROUGH CHRIST who strengthens me." Php 4:13

My Momma

Mom needs to lower her triglycerides, doctor's orders. I need to lose weight. We need each other. I'm going to hold her accountable and she will do the same for me. I don't eat like they do, but we are trading food and recipe ideas, anyway.

Mom is one of these people who believes everyone is entitled to her opinion. :) Strangely, this is exactly what I need. She will not pull punches when it comes to dishing out the cold hard truth and she definitely will not care if she hurts my feelings in the process. (Not that she's a meanie, but Jeff is too afraid to insult me - even if it's needed.)

I am glad for this partnership. We are weighing in on Mondays and Fridays. It was embarrassing to admit out loud how much I weigh - I don't enjoy saying that particular number. But it's just Mom, and it's not like I can hide how big I really am. I'm only fooling myself if I think I can.

Yesterday was a pretty good eating day. I have decided to count points because it's what I know, and actually came in under my daily points by a bit. I didn't intend for it to work out that way, because you're supposed to eat them all, but I got to the end of the day and simply was not hungry, so I ate 28 instead of 31 points.

I had good food, too - a scrambled egg sandwich & watermelon for breakfast, a spinach/strawberry/chicken salad for lunch, an ice cream sandwich, blueberry muffin & apple for snacks, and a fajita salad for supper. Tasty.

Today I'm thinking oatmeal with strawberries for breakfast, a BST (bacon-spinach-tomato) & watermelon for lunch, and meatloaf for supper. Yes, folks - eating healthy does not mean you have to give up the things you love!

So it's off to the races. Competition is a good thing. If I can keep Mom into it and she starts losing weight, it will provide just the bit of a competitive edge that I thrive on. Let's see how it goes, shall we?

06.10.09

What I ate yesterday:

Breakfast

1/2 c. oatmeal
1 c. strawberries
iced coffee (1 c. milk, 3 c. coffee)
Total Points: 6

Lunch

Chicken sandwich
-2 slices whole wheat bread
-4 oz chicken
-spinach, tomatoes
-slice cheese
-1 tsp miracle whip & 1 tsp mustard
1 c. watermelon
1/2 roasted bell pepper
Total Points: 8

Snacks

1 svg salt & vinegar chips
1/2 c. neopolitan ice cream
Total Points: 6

Supper

1 c. Chicken Heck-Yeah soup
chicken souvlaki
pita
medium fries
1/4 personal pan cheese pizza
Total Points: 24

Total Points for day: 44
Points available: 33

Not-so-Friendly Reminder

Got one of those today... turns out I can't eat what I want and lose weight. I gained a pound.

Duh.

I'm not into mantras and meditation, but this week I choose one - when I want to eat, I will ask myself this:

What do I want?

If need be, I'll ask it over and over, so I can remind myself of exactly what I'm working for.

- to lose enough weight to comfortably survive clinicals
- to be healthy for Braeden
- to be healthy for myself
- to be healthy so that I can think about baby #2
- to look good
- to feel good in my own skin

What do I want?

End of the Tunnel

To say that this has been a wild week would be a gross understatement. Both cars broke down, we've been dealing with finals and of course the usual daily issues. I'm tired, and haven't had much time to exercise. Food is tempting me sorely, and I've given in too many times.

I have a final to take this afternoon, and then I'm going to cook a few meals for the week before settling into a study routine. I also hope to exercise a little more than I have been. My major goal for this week is simply to keep my head above water. Once finals are over, I can breathe, and for that, I am exceptionally thankful. I haven't looked forward to summer this much in years! LOL

Two

Two more pounds down. (Total of eight.) Somewhat surprising, I admit.

Two days I really exercised last week (five days a week is somewhat unrealistic for me, though I did manage some serious house-cleaning).

Two years is how long I think it will take to lose this weight.

Two recipes that I will make today.

Two sizes to go and I will have plenty of clothes to wear again.

Two shirts that I have right now that are decent enough to wear to church.

Two more days until there's enough money in the bank for me to refill the healthy foods in the fridge & pantry.

Two pounds lost this week (did I mention that already?)

In Recovery

This week, I decided to up the ante a bit with my exercise. I increased the weights - not significantly, I thought, but it seems that even a one or two pound difference is enough to make your muscles scream "Uncle!'"

I didn't want to work out at all. I'm not exactly feeling great, and I just wasn't in the mood. But I kept thinking about my goal, and the reason I want to lose the weight - so I pushed myself through anyway.

My eating habits haven't been spectacular, but they are still a drastic improvement over what I would have eaten a few weeks ago. I think it's time to back off the artificial sweeteners, because I seem to have a constant sweet tooth. I'm slowly decreasing the amount I put in my tea, although my morning brew is just going to have to settle for coffee with my cream & splenda. :)

In one of my former WW lives, I had started a mini-scrapbook, and I'm thinking about doing that again. I suppose I should take "before" pictures, too, even as much as I hate facing the camera. Having a visual comparison to see where I've been and where I'm going is an incredible motivation.

And on that note, I have cooled off sufficiently to hop in the shower, and then I think I'm going to turn in early. 'Night!